About sex

Sex means different things to different people, and there are many ways that people have sex. 

Usually, sex involves touching another person’s genitals (private parts) or other parts of their body in a way that makes them feel good. What feels good to one person might not feel good to someone else. 

Whatever sex means to you, it’s important to communicate with the person you want to do it with to make sure you are on the same page.

There are many different types of sex, including:

• Sexual touching – touching in a way that gives sexual pleasure
• Vaginal sex – when a penis, finger, sex toy or other object goes inside a vagina during sex
• Oral sex – when someone uses their mouth on someone’s genitals or private parts
• Anal sex – when a penis, finger, sex toy or other object goes inside an anus during sex

All types of sex can lead to STIs, and penis-in-vagina sex can lead to pregnancy. There are lots of options for staying safe. 

Learn about staying safe during sex. 

Masturbation is touching your own genitals (private parts), or body, in a way that gives you sexual pleasure.

Masturbating is a choice, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. It can be a helpful way for people to explore their bodies, their likes, and dislikes, and be more comfortable with their sexuality before having sex with someone else. Like sex, it should always be done in a private place.

Some people feel ashamed for masturbating. Masturbation is nothing to feel ashamed about, it is a natural and healthy part of being human. Some people struggle with feelings of shame, especially if they or their community or family have strong views that it is wrong. This can sometimes lead to someone feeling depressed or anxious about it. It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust or a medical professional if you’re feeling this way.

Some people worry that masturbating will harm their body. There is no evidence that masturbation can harm your body. In fact, masturbation has lots of benefits, including relaxation, regulating hormones, and relieving headaches.

If masturbation ever feels painful or uncomfortable, it’s important to make an appointment with a doctor or nurse to get checked out. Remember, our nurses and doctors have seen and heard it all! If someone finds that masturbation is stopping them from doing normal daily activities — like seeing friends or going to school or work — then they may need to speak to someone that can help. 

Sex should feel fun, and safe. It can be helpful to think about what type of experience you want to have, and to communicate with the person you’re having sex with so that you’re on the same page.

It can be helpful to talk about:

• How to stay safe – preventing unintended pregnancy (if it applies to you) and STIs
• What you like, what you don’t like, anything you want to try, and any boundaries you may have
• How you both feel about it – anything you are worried about or want to bring up beforehand
• What both of your expectations are, especially if it’s the first time you are having sex with them – do you expect them to be exclusive with you (not have sex with anyone else)? Do they want to be in a relationship with you now that you’re having sex? Is this something you want? Is this a friends-with-benefits situation?

Being open and honest with each other can make sex more fun, and means that you may be able to relax and enjoy it more, knowing that you’ve talked about it beforehand.

Some people may need support to have a conversation like this. It’s a great idea to talk to someone you trust about it if you’re not sure where to start. Our Advice section has lots of information that can help too.

Some people have lots of sex, and some people never have sex. The amount of sex someone has, how many people they have had sex with, and the types of sex they have are different for everyone. There is no right or wrong. The amount of sex someone has with one person, might be different with another. Whatever feels right for you is normal. In a sexual relationship, it’s common for one person to want sex more or less than their partner. 

It’s never OK to expect someone else to have sex with you; if they don’t want to, there are lots of ways to get sexual pleasure by yourself (masturbation).

Everyone is different. Some people have sex earlier on, and others don’t until they are older.

In Aotearoa, the legal age to have sex is 16 years old. That means that having sex with someone under the age of 16 is illegal.

You can get contraception at any age. This can sometimes be confusing as the legal age to have sex is 16. If you decide to have sex under the age of 16, you can still get contraception, condoms, STIs checks and treatment, pregnancy tests and any other sexual healthcare you need. At Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa, we provide a confidential service, which means that we won’t tell anyone about your visit unless we are worried about your safety, or someone else’s, safety.

Make an appointment with us

No matter what age you have sex, whether you are under or over 16, it is never okay for someone to pressure or force you into it. It doesn’t matter if you’ve said ‘yes’ before or if you’ve changed your mind; sex without consent is illegal, and it is never your fault.

Everyone is different. It can be helpful to think about:

• How you feel about having sex
• What excites you about it
• If there is anything you are worried about.

Sharing how you feel with the person you want to have sex with usually leads to a better experience. Having sex can be a big decision for some people, and for others, it isn’t. Either way, talking to a doctor or nurse is a good first step to get information about being safe. Our nurses and doctors can answer any questions you have and won’t judge you (they talk about this all day!).

If you’ve never had sex before or if you’re having sex with someone new, it can sometimes be difficult to figure out if you’re ready. Sometimes people have sex and regret it afterwards — this is common. If you feel this way, it can be helpful to talk about it with someone you trust, like a good friend or whānau member.

Sometimes people have sex once and then decide to wait a while until they have sex again. 

When and how you have sex is your decision.  

Always check with the person you’re having sex with before and during sex that they really want to have sex — let them know that it’s okay if they don’t want to have sex, and that you can stop if they change their mind.

You can say things like:

Is this okay?

Do you like this?

Shall we try this?

Does this feel good?

Shall we take a break?

You can also look out for signs that they’re not into it – like pulling away, putting clothes back on, not kissing you back, or if they seem distracted or worried.

Remember, someone is not able to give consent if they are asleep, drunk, high, or are out of it - even if they say ‘yes’. If they are slurring their words, can’t walk straight, feel dizzy or sick or aren’t making much sense, don’t have sex with them — it is illegal to have sex or do something sexual with someone that isn't able to give consent.

It’s up to you and the person you’re having sex with to decide what you feel comfortable with and what you want to do. Anyone can change their mind at any point and if they do, sex should stop. Nobody should be pressured into doing something they don’t want to do, and if they aren’t sure about it, take it as a ‘no’ and find something else you’re both comfortable doing instead (this could also be stopping and doing something completely different!).

If you have been pressured or forced into having sex or if you are worried about something that’s happened, there is help and support available — you can talk to someone anonymously (without giving your name or details) if you want to, and most helplines are free to call.