About sex

Sex should feel fun, and safe. It's very important that you — and the person you're having sex with — are happy and excited during sex. 

It’s best to have sex with a person you trust. You want to trust that they will stop if you ask them to. Sex feels better, and is safer, when you both trust each other.

Some people have lots of sex, and some people never have sex. There is no normal amount of sex to have. 

It’s a good idea to have a big talk before sex. Talk with the person you are going to have sex with about what you want to do, and what they want to do, before you have sex.

You should talk during sex too. Tell the person you are having sex with if you want to stop, or if you want to do something different. Ask them if they feel good, and make sure you tell them if something feels bad.

It’s a really good idea to talk after sex too!  

It’s okay to stop, anytime you want to. If sex feels boring, uncomfortable, or painful, it’s a good idea to stop. If you've had enough sex, you can just stop.
 
You don’t owe anybody sex, and nobody owes you sex. It’s wrong to pressure someone to have sex with you. If someone is pressuring you to have sex, it’s a good idea to stay away from them, and tell someone you trust. You never ever have to do any sex stuff that you don’t want to do. 

Only have sex when you want to have sex! It doesn’t matter how excited the other person is, or if you have already started having sex with them, you are always allowed to stop.
 
When you have sex, there is often a possibility of pregnancy. It is also possible to get a sexually transmissible infection (STI). Using condoms, and other contraception, is the best way to protect yourself from pregnancy, and STIs. Make sure to get an STI test before and after you have sex with a new person. We can help you get the right contraception for you. 
 
It doesn’t matter how old you are, we can get you contraception if you ask for it. We will also give STI tests, and pregnancy tests, to anyone. No matter how old you are, your nurse or doctor will check that you understand what you’re doing, and that you’re not being forced to do something you don’t want to do.  If you are at risk, they will have to share that with other people to get you some help, but they will talk to you first. 
 
It is legal in Aotearoa to have sex once you, and your partner, are both 16.  

Sex can be lots of things — most people have certain things they like to do during sex. Anytime that you and another person give each other sexual pleasure, that’s having sex.

Sexual pleasure is the nice feeling that you have when you masturbate. These feelings are often stronger and more complex during sex. It’s a really good idea to be comfortable masturbating before you try having sex with other people.

People have sex for lots of different reasons. People have sex for pleasure, for love, for intimacy, or to make a baby. Some people have sex because it’s their job.  

All sex involves: 

• Enthusiastic consent before and during sex 
• Physical and/or emotional intimacy   

Good sex will also involve:

• Sexual excitement and pleasure 
• Communication before, during, and after sex 

Learn more about conception — how you become hapū

There are many ways to have sex. Anytime that you and another person give each other sexual pleasure, that’s having sex.

The most popular ways to have sex involves using your genitals, or other parts of your body that make you feel sexual pleasure. The most common in-person ways to have sex are:  

• Vaginal sex
• Oral sex
• Anal sex 

You can also have sex over video, by messaging, or over the phone.

There are lots of ways that people have sex — some people will say one thing is sex and another thing isn’t. For example: some people disagree about whether touching someone’s genitals with your hands for pleasure counts as sex.

Most people agree that vaginal, anal, and oral sex all count as sex. 

The age of consent in Aotearoa is 16 years old. Some people have sex before this age, and many people have sex after this age.

Different people decide to start having sex at different times. The right time can depend on a person’s values, religion, relationships, and many other things.

As people get older, they develop their own attitudes and values — these attitudes and values help them make decisions. It’s best if people choose to have sex when they feel that they are ready.

The average age that people in Aotearoa New Zealand start having sex is 17 years old — but many people wait until they're older. 

If you're not sure that you want to have sex, it’s a really good idea to wait. Some people even realise that they never want to have sex — that’s okay too.  

It’s really important that you, and the person you plan to have sex with, are ready and excited to have sex.

It’s really good to talk a lot about what you both want to do before, during, and after sex.

It can be very exciting to talk with someone about the things you want to do together.

When you do have sex, make sure to check that the other person still wants to do the things you talked about, or if they want to do something else. Only do things that you both want to do.

You're probably ready to have sex if you can answer yes to most of these questions: 

• Could you say no to having sex — and it wouldn’t be a problem? 
• Have you made a special connection with someone — and you both feel it? 
• Are you ready to have sex? 
• Are you excited about having sex? 
• Are you a little bit nervous — but not scared about having sex? 
• Are you freely deciding to have sex — nobody is pressuring you? 
• Are you confident that you won't regret having sex? 
• Have you and another person said that you both care for each other, and that you both want to have sex? 
• Would your partner still stay with you if you didn’t have sex? 
• Are you and the person you plan to have sex with able to talk about contraception and using condoms? 
• Are you and the person you plan to have sex with able to talk clearly about what you do and don’t want to do when you have sex? 
• Do you want to have sex? 

Vaginal sex is when something — like a sex toy, penis, or strap — goes inside a vagina during sex.

If a penis goes inside your vagina, or semen spills on your vulva, you might get pregnant. Using condoms and other contraception makes pregnancy less likely, but not impossible. When a penis gets hard, it starts leaking precum — and precum has sperm in it. It’s safest to put a condom on a hard penis before you start playing with it.

It’s also possible to get a sexually transmissible infection (STI) from any kind of vaginal sex. Using condoms is the best way to protect yourself from STIs. Make sure to get a STI test before and after you have sex with a new person.   

Oral sex is when someone licks or sucks someone’s genitals or anus. There are lots of different words for different types of oral sex. People call oral sex: giving head, going down, eating out, and many other things.

You can get sexually transmissible infections (STIs) from oral sex. It doesn’t matter if you have straight or queer oral sex — you can still get an STI.  
 
You can get an STI when your mouth touches someone’s vulva, anus, strap, sex toy, or penis. If someone’s mouth touches your vulva, penis, or anus, you can get an STI.  
 
Using a condom, or an oral dam, is a great way to avoid getting an STI. It’s a good idea to use a condom if you are having oral sex with a penis or a strap. If you are having oral sex with an anus, or a vulva, you can use an oral dam. You can get oral dams, and condoms, from us. You can even make your own oral dam by cutting the tip and bottom of a condom off — before cutting the side open to make a flat, stretchy, oral dam.   

Anal sex is when something — like a sex toy, penis, or strap — goes inside an anus during sex.

You can get STIs from anal sex. Using a condom and lube is the best way to protect yourself from STIs during anal sex.

It’s really important to use lube during anal sex. If a sex toy doesn’t have a flared base, don’t put it into an anus — it’s very easy to get things stuck up there, and it’s hard to get them out! 

Masturbation is touching your own genitals, anus, or body in a way that gives you sexual pleasure.

Masturbating helps you work out what you like, and what you don’t like — it also helps you prepare for some of the intense feelings you might have during sex. It’s a really good way to work how your body works, and what you do or don’t like.

Some people masturbate with their hands, by rubbing on or against something, with a jet of water, or with a sex toy like a vibrator.

It’s totally normal to masturbate — and it’s totally normal not to masturbate. It’s nobody else’s business if you do or don’t masturbate.

Masturbation is good for your body. It can help you relax, regulate your hormones, relieve a headache, and keep your body working well. You can masturbate alone, or you can do it with someone else — this is a really nice way to have sex.

There are lots of made-up stories about masturbation — you might hear someone say it’s bad for you, or it’ll make you go blind, or you’ll run out of sperm if you masturbate. None of that is true. If you didn’t hear it from a medical professional, it’s better not to believe every story you hear about masturbation.  

Learn more about conception — how you become hapū

Sexual abuse happens when someone pressures you to do sex stuff that you don’t want to do. Sex stuff includes stuff that happens online, or on your phone — like sexting, or sending nudes. Sexual abuse also happens when someone makes you have sex, or touches you, or makes you touch them.  
 
You do not deserve to have sexual abuse done to you. It is never your fault. It doesn’t matter who sexually abused you — what they did was wrong. 
 
If an older person does sex stuff with someone under the age of sixteen, that is sexual abuse. If anyone does sex stuff with a kid, that is sexual abuse.  
 
If you have been sexually abused, it’s a good idea to talk to an adult that you trust. If you don’t know who to tell, you can always talk to us. It doesn’t matter if the abuse happened recently, or a long time ago. You deserve help.